Helping a friend after abortion

Someone you know has had an abortion. You care about this person. You see that she is suffering and ask yourself, "What can I do?"

Adjust your own attitude

You can't change the abortion itself, but you can change the way you view your friend. Try to fill your heart with compassion and wisdom to support and help her find peace

Listen carefully and with your heart

This can be her most valuable support. Her pain and grief must be released if healing is to begin. When you listen without judging it helps her begin to trust in the hope of peace and forgiveness.

Choose your words carefully

Once she has shared the background of her abortion with you, a loving response is "How can I help?" Follow her lead and let her guide you through her emotions. She may need professional assistance, but you can be the added support she desperately needs.

Help her to grieve in healthy ways

Our natural instinct is to protect and shield her from pain. This may be especially true if she is a close friend or relative. We might even encourage her not to think about it, to put it in the past and concentrate on happy things. This does not foster healthy grieving. In fact, healing will not come until she has been allowed to work through her grief.

Encourage her to greive for her unborn child; do not minimise her pain. Her heart will tell her how many tears are necessary. She has to grieve for her lost child, a grief that is compounded by her guilt in making the decision to abort her child.

Help her to forgive herself

Help her to realise that while she was making the abortion decision, others may have played a part by not supporting her to carry her baby to term. Perhaps her spouse, her boyfriend, parents or friends pressurised her to have the abortion. These facts help her see how overwhelmed she may have been without proper support from others.

She also made the decision when her body was experiencing the hormonal changes of pregnancy. Studies show the mood levels range from depression to feelings of elation during pregnancy. As she deals further with the abortion, she will see more realistically her part in the decision and the part others played.

The woman may also feel bitter toward those associated with the abortion. She may resent those who withheld support. She may be angry with those who worked at the abortion facility and feel she was misled or victimised. Abortion counselling in the clinic is minimal; the woman is given no understanding of foetal development or the risk of serious physical and psychological side effects. All these feelings are common. Encourage her to talk about and to work through them.

Affrim the woman

It takes courage to deal with major problems. Encourage her to give herself credit. Tell her that peace and light wait on the other side of her pain.

Respect the confidences place in you

This woman has trusted you as her confidante; a sacred privilege and serious responsibility. Treat all confidential information with utmost respect.

Helping a woman heal after an abortion involves a process that begins with practical help and physical healing and moves toward spiritual help and healing.

Believe in your ability to help. If you believe that her suffering and guilt are within the realm of sacrifice Christ paid for our sins, you can help her believe that as well. Ask yourself What would Jesus have done for this woman? He would do exactly what you are doing.

One would do exactly what you are doing. One would reach out to her in her pain and care deeply for what she is going through. One would give her hope that life can once again have meaing.

Abortion is a tragedy. Yet, there is hope and healing and love. Your compassion may make the difference in her belief that she can be whole again. You may be the vessel for her very healing and journey back from abortion.